Season 6, BBC Style!
by JSlayerUK
Summary: A frustrated BBC Buffy watcher decides that she's had enough, and takes things into her own hands...
1. Foreword

**TITLE:** Season 6, BBC Style!   
**AUTHOR:** JSlayerUK   
**EMAIL:** JSlayerUK@aol.com   
**FEEDBACK:** Hit me. Feedback most welcome. Flames would be welcome too. I'm in London right now, and the snow is chilling me to the bone!   
**ARCHIVE/DISTRIBUTION:** Aisling and FF.net. If you want it, take it. Just give credit where it's due and give me a heads up.   
**SUMMARY:** The BBC has a habit of slashing Buffy episodes to shreds, purely because they've given it a 6:45 time slot. Here's the guide to Season 6 a la BBC 2!  
**SPOILERS:** Season 6 of Buffy (Well d'uh) although they're pretty mild spoilers. You'll see what I mean...   
**RATING:** U. (That's British for G. What does "G" mean anyway? U stands for "Universal", but I can't figure the "G" out for the life of me...)  
**DISCLAIMER:** Do I look like Greg Dyke? Do I look like Joss Whedon? Considering the answer to both of those is "NO!" especially from the whole age and gender perspective, you can see I don't own anything.  
**DEDICATION:** To all those who have suffered because sitting up until 1:05AM is just too hard...  
**NOTE:** For those reading my on-going fic "Opium", this is my attempt to get over severe writer's block. Parody is the way forward!

~*-*~

New Season of Buffy! Yayayayayayayayayayayayayay! (Crowds go wild)

Oh wait, they don't. They weren't told about the new season. It wasn't advertised.

Oops.

~*-*~


	2. Bargaining

~*-*~

**Bargaining**

  


The Scoobs, and Spike and the Buffybot (who appeared out of nowhere, apparently from an episode that never happened since Intervention had far too many sexual games to air on the BBC), patrol over the summer, but somehow do so by the power of their mind, because we can't have too much violence. Even to evil soulless things.

  


Tara makes pancakes.

  


Buffy appears out of nowhere. Harmful spell? What harmful spell?!

  


Spike becomes an upper class Victorian gentleman again when taking care of Dawn, because Punk Spike always swore. And you can't have swearing on the BBC.

  


Giles disappears, but is allowed to because it's by plane and isn't too violent for the BBC.

  


Biker demons appear.

  


Buffybot mysteriously disappears.

  


Scoobs wag their finger at Biker demons and they leave peacefully and quietly.

  


~*-*~


	3. After Life

~*-*~

**After Life**

  


Tara makes pancakes.

  


Buffy's disconnected from life. Then suddenly Buffy isn't disconnected from life. She gets out of this rut for no reason whatsoever.

  


Buffy hugs Willow and Xander. _(BBC Executive: Good good, liking this a lot. Let's power up the friendship dynamic. It's good for society!)_

  


Then Buffy gets disconnected again and sees Spike. Buffy talks to Spike. She was in heaaaaaaaaaaven.

  


Oh.

  


~*-*~


	4. Flooded

~*-*~

**Flooded**

  


Buffy's feeling chipper again. She needs money. The bank won't give it to her, but that's all. 

  


Tara makes pancakes.

  


There are no interruptions of course. M'fashnik demons don't interrupt and encourage property damage, because this is the BBC.

  


Giles reappears. 

  


The Troika are on screen for a short while, but nobody knows what they're doing. For some reason they have no voice. _(BBC Executive: Maybe because they're discussing crime and mayhem, and this is the BBC. We can't have that!)_

  


The house mysteriously trashes itself. What did it? We don't know.

  


~*-*~


	5. Life Serial

~*-*~

**Life Serial**

  


These geeks come up again. Something about tests.

  


Buffy becomes a college student. Speeds about, and then stops immediately after some evil lint incident.

  


Tara talks about making pancakes.

  


Buffy doesn't become a construction worker, because the other male workers display a misogynistic attitude._ (BBC Executive: We at the BBC are culturally sensitive!)_

  


Buffy gets into a supposed time loop as a sales clerk at the Magic Box. It's only supposed since we only manage to see two loops, as the BBC have to cut down the length of the episode so they can show old episodes of The Good Life from 1984 that we've all seen hundreds of times before._(BBC Executive: Prioritise! Prioritise!)_

  


Buffy says something to Spike. No gambling, no underage alcoholism.

  


Buffy says something to Giles. No reference to previous gambling or previous underage alcoholism.

  


No mention of James Bond, since ITV have the rights to the films. The BBC cannot encourage the watching of another television channel!

  


~*-*~


	6. Interval

~*-*~

**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

~*-*~


	7. All The Way

~*-*~

**All The Way**

  


It's Halloween!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Now it's not.

~*-*~


	8. Once More With Feeling

~*-*~

**Once More With Feeling**

  


There's some singing. Some dancing. No plot, since we had to cut that stuff out. _(BBC Executive: We don't have time for all this messing about at the BBC!)_

  


Tara makes pancakes musically.

  


~*-*~


	9. Tabula Rasa

~*-*~

**Tabula Rasa**

  


Spike, Buffy and the Scoobs, suddenly call each other different names, and are hiding from somebody or something. We don't know, since they cut out the gambling in episode 5, rendering the villains in this episode useless... 

  


Tara forgets how to make pancakes. 

  


Tara and Willow don't fall out, because they never got together. _(BBC Executive: Lesbianism at the BBC? Don't make me laugh!)_

  


Giles leaves. By plane again, so that's screened. 

  


Buffy kissed Spike! Peck on the cheek, really...

  


~*-*~


	10. Smashed

~*-*~

**Smashed**

  


Oooh! It's not a rat, it's Amy! _(BBC Executive: Magic? What magic?! We don't encourage paganism. We're the BBC!)_

  


Tara makes milkshakes. 

  


The geeks appear in a museum, but not by breaking in, no sir. 

  


Spike and Buffy talk. Fade to black.

  


~*-*~


	11. Wrecked

~*-*~

**Wrecked**

  


Yeah. This episode opens 10 mins in, ignoring the results of Spike and Buffy's talk...

  


Tara makes pancakes. 

  


_(BBC Executive: Willow's magic problem mirroring a drug addiction? Pfft! Don't talk nonsense! This is the BBC!)_

  


Willow gives up magic. 

  


Buffy gives up Spike. 

  


We never saw Willow doing magic, or Buffy doing Spike... but that's not the issue.

  


~*-*~


	12. Interval

~*-*~

**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

  


**Golf**

  


**Golf**

  


**Golf**

  


**Chess Tournament**

  


**Curling**

  


**Snooker Yet Again**

  


**Tiddlywinks**

  


**Even More Snooker**

  


~*-*~


	13. Gone

~*-*~

**Gone (By which time we've forgotten everything that's happened)**

  


Buffy has a magical clearout. 

  


The Troika invent an invisibility ray.

  


Tara's not at home to make pancakes.

  


Buffy gets a haircut. 

  


Then she rhymes with blinvisible.

  


Then all of a sudden she doesn't and she's visible.

  


Buffy knows that Warren, Jonathan and Whats-his-name are her arch nemesisisees.

  


_(BBC Executive: Spike's naked exercises in bed? What of them?)_

  


~*-*~


	14. DoubleMeat Palace

~*-*~

**Doublemeat Palace**

  


Buffy gets a job and keeps it. 

  


Tara makes pancakes yet again.

  


Willow is having withdrawal symptoms. 

  


That's about it for the episode anyway. No cuts really needed, even by BBC standard!

  


~*-*~


	15. Dead Things

~*-*~

**Dead Things**

  


_(BBC Executive: "Right... So we'll have no rough Spuffy sex. No Spuffy sex in the Bronze. No Spuffy bondage. No Spike beating. No abduction of Katrina, no attempted rape of Katrina, no murder of Katrina. Episode will run from 6:45 to .................... 6:55.")_

  


~*-*~


	16. Older And Far Away

~*-*~

**Older And Far Away**

  


It's Buffy's birthday. Nothing is quite right here. 

  


Some demon appears who we claim to know, except I think he was at a card game we never saw.

  


Huh.

  


Everyone gets trapped in the house for some reason, something that is the fault of the Non-Kleptomaniac Dawn. _(BBC Executive: We will not encourage bad behaviour in the youth of today!)_

  


Tara makes pancakes for 20 this time.

  


Buffy's angry at Spike for making suggestions of some kind. We don't know what they are though, because we're forced to lip read those parts.

  


~*-*~


	17. As You Were

~*-*~

**As You Were**

  


Riley appears out of nowhere, currently sporting a halo and wings and is surrounded by a white light and heavenly music.

  


No wait, that's Marti Noxon's image of Riley.

  


Oops.

  


Riley appears with a wife and is the perfect BBC image of a happy newlywed couple. _(BBC Executive: Yay. Let's pump up Riley and Robot Samantha the Perfect Wife!)_

  


Anya, Xander, Dawn, Willow & Tara have no purpose in this episode.

  


Spike and Buffy say something, then we cut to black for five and a half hours. We reopen on Buffy leaving Spike's crypt.

  


Interesting.

  


~*-*~


	18. Interval

~*-*~

**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

  


**Snooker**

  


**A 1973 Darts Tournament Repeat.**

  


**Snooker**

  


~*-*~


	19. Hell's Bells

~*-*~

**Hell's Bells**

  


Anya and Xander have a wedding.

  


Xander runs away.

  


That's about it. Cuts or no cuts.

  


~*-*~


	20. Normal Again

~*-*~

**Normal Again**

  


Oooh! Troika again! But only for a minute.

  


They summon a demon. A Glarghagulkashmanik. What ever the hell that is supposed to be. 

  


Buffy goes nuts. Buffy goes un-nuts.

  


~*-*~


	21. Entropy

~*-*~

**Entropy**

  


_(BBC Executive rubs his hands together with glee)_ Oooh! Let's have some BBC editing fun! 

  


Spike and Buffy have a conversation about events that never happened.

  


Tara and Willow have a conversation about events that never happened... and pancakes. 

  


Warren and Andrew have a conversation, but it's partially missing due to excess homoerotic overtones. 

  


Xander and Anya have a conversation about events that never happened. 

  


Let's rename the episode "Talking About Things That Never Happened". 

  


Buffy and Dawn are wholesome role models and go shopping. 

  


Then Spike and Anya start talking. Don't know what happens there, we close on Spike saying "Hey". 

  


_(BBC Executive: We at the BBC don't have explicit sex scenes on Magic Box tables, or lesbian sex scenes. We're wholesome and good and pure!)_

  


~*-*~


	22. Seeing Red

~*-*~

**Seeing Red**

  


Tara makes pancakes.

  


The End.

  


~*-*~


	23. Villains

~*-*~

**Villains**

  


Willow has dyed her hair somehow.

  


Willow walks around for a bit. 

  


Buffy and Xander also walk around a bit. 

  


Clem appears for a short cameo. And we're supposed to know who Clem is how?

  


~*-*~


	24. Two To Go

~*-*~

**Two To Go**

  


Anya and Buffy bust Jonathon and Andrew out of jail. (They got into jail? When?) 

  


Spike, for some reason, is in Africa. We don't know why. 

  


Xander, for some reason, is angry.

  


Dawn, for some reason, is angry. 

  


Buffy, for some reason, is angry.

  


Willow, for some reason, is angry.

  


Anya, for some reason, can teleport.

  


So can Giles. And he turns up in Sunnydale... for some reason.

  


~*-*~


	25. Grave

~*-*~

**Grave**

  


Before, everyone was upset.

  


Now, everyone's smiling.

  


We don't know what happened in between. All we know is that for some reason there are no more pancakes.

  


Hmm...

  


Oh, would you look at that. Spike has a soul.

  


How did he get it? Why did he get it? We don't know. And why should we? We're the BBC!

  


~*-*~

**The End**

* * *

_Author's Note: Phew! Now getting out all that frustration felt really really **good**. As for the other objective, removing my Writer's Block... I'm not too sure about that._

  


Damn.


End file.
